Some funnies from Jack Handy to keep you laughing until spring break....

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather
did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to
speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but
they don't know I'm using blanks.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never
known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I
forgot to put my pants on.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it
turned out to be something different.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.
Forget it, little friend.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And
also, you're drunk.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If a kid asks where the rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thnig to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm,
boy.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two seperate words - "mank"
and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.